Self Care for the ‘Outsider’

March 1st 2019

SELF CARE for the OUTSIDER

Part I

In Part I of this two part article, Dawn and Jose, the “Insiders” Co-Chairs describe the importance of self care for those who support their incarcerated loved one. Only by caring for themselves can they enjoy and maintain the mental and emotional stamina needed to consistently support their loved one on the inside. In this two-part series, Dawn and Jose share how encouraging self care for their partner works for them.

Dawn:

“I F*cking hate this place!” was the mantra cycling through my mind as I wearily pushed through heavy metal gates for my allotted 5-hour weekend visit with my husband.

The routine of early wake-ups, stressful drives, the long wait to see him…as well as being surrounded by emotionally hurting

family members, inconsistent and irritable prison guards all magnify this mantra with every stride: “I f*cking hate this place!”

I wait for Jose at the cramped table where we will remain all day. Confined and painfully limited from physical affection, wondering… when did this loud, angry mantra take over?

Where is the mantra of love and devotion that has carried me? This mystical force compelling me for even 20 minutes more with him despite any cost.

This table, or our “oasis” as we refer to it, our watering hole for love, joy, play, and intimacy is a very long desert journey away. A journey so intense that taken week after week; year after year, can leave one lost in the desert, weak and disoriented. The oasis way beyond reach. Without self-care, I see how I could lose my way entirely.

This expedition has so many demands and requires one to give so much that one is required to give to yourself even more deeply.

Think of the 5 Love Languages that have become so popular and give those back to yourself. Learn to fulfill each love language for YOU. The beautiful loving SELF that needs to be nourished and strong to take the journey to that oasis so that you may give and receive fully to one another.

Self-care begins with awareness of your thoughts. Care about those thoughts and how they treat you. Be aware of the mantra in your mind. You can choose your mantra.

I care for myself in various ways. I love to travel, meditate, practice yoga and go on long walks. I play with friends. I sleep in or miss a visit if needed.

When my mantra becomes tired and angry I find a way to nurture me. Best of all, I took a job opportunity this winter in Florida for 2.5 months. Thankfully, I chose a life partner who supports my self-care, so my mantra shifts easily: “I F*cking love this complex life and sharing it with Jose!”

Jose:

When I first arrive at the visit and Dawn and I hug, sometimes, I can tell something is wrong by how firmly she hugs me. I want to keep hugging her and never let her go…but we have to–rules.

Often when this happens I feel helpless and frustrated and on occasion, furious. Something must have occurred; some negative humiliating treatment at the hands of the guards.

Its been a few visits since I’ve seen her. I encouraged her for months to speak to her boss to approve a winter work transfer to Florida. I support her self-care.

Self-care is a topic we started discussing early in our friendship. How I have been able to endure all these years of incarceration (especially in Attica). How she has persevered in the struggle for social justice. When it comes to dealing with prison, we need to use a lot of self-care.

Although it means I won’t see her for three months and I’ll miss her immensely, the break from this place is good for her, and us. Supporting her self-care is the best gift I can give her.

Based on two decades of overhearing men’s conversations in here, I know some won’t understand. Demanding to know where their partner was when they don’t answer a phone call or don’t come for a visit. “Who were they with?” “Why didn’t they answer the phone?” Not stopping to consider what their loved one may need.

I’ll say that there are also supportive men here. They, we, are sensitive to how our spouses and families are coping with this place; with us being gone.

We, the incarcerated, must encourage and support our family members in self-care. Self-care is what nourishes and restores.

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Next month, Part II. How can the outsider help the insider with Self Care?

Family From the Inside

Feb 1st 2019

AFTERMATH:

A Reflection on the Recent Holiday Season

By: Jose Di Lenola

(Side note: I’d like to put ICO business aside for the article and share a little about the holidays in prison.)

Squeezed into the man’s bowl, all nice and neat, was coconut rice, bean sauce, sweet potatoes, collard greens, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, and a plastic spoon sticking straight up like a flag pole.

The food looked and smelled delicious, considering it was all made in a microwave.

When the man went back to his cube, noses turned his way and looks of wonderment overcame several of the men’s faces.

“That’s some home cookin’ right there,” someone said.

In the wake of the aroma followed comments of men reminiscing of home; of tables spread with food; children playing; family laughing, drinking, arguing, and full bellied sighs from couches and recliners.

You could hear men longing to be in the middle of it all. I was thinking the same thing with the only addition to the meal…a warm slice of apple pie.

To put it simply the holidays are tough in prison. We want to be home. We want to be surrounded by love, family, food, and the comfort so many of us remember. But we can’t and that awareness hurts. Hence, the bowl packed with food.

To make this meal in prison, it takes several months of coordinated effort of men contributing from their packages

received from home. For some its the only package they get all year. It is a show of love from their family that, although they cannot get them out of prison, want their loved one to experience some sense of freedom, family and connection within this great disconnection.

Connection and disconnection. Our families feel it too. All the relatives are in town, cousins one hasn’t seen since they had their children. Grandmothers and grandfathers, holding honored seats at the table. All the chairs stuffed into the dining room. All the chairs and spaces taken. All except one, where we once sat.

The emptiness of the chair is symbolic of the emptiness felt by our family. I’ve heard tell that some families actually place an empty chair and plate at the table so that the absent loved one is “present” and not forgotten. Disconnection and connection.

Sometimes there is no chair; no plate or anything to represent the absent person.

There are a multitude of reasons for this. The long passage of years slowly eroding away at connection. Sadness that more cannot be done to help the incarcerated loved one. Perhaps guilt that more wasn’t done to help the person prior to incarceration. Deaths in the family that splinter its cohesiveness. Maybe its anger for what the person had done. Broken promises.

Or, there is no family.

The list goes on. Point being, we are all hurting. inside and outside of these places whose primary purpose is to separate. We are longing for connection. Fighting against disconnection. One way we fight is by recreating some semblance of home, of family, of love, of holiday joy. Be it a plate…a bowl of food, or an empty chair, or some other thing…we, inside and out, long for the love found in connection.

We yearn for the years long passed that were filled with holiday wonder, comfort, good food, children playing, and a home overflowing with love and family. We the imprisoned, do this for holidays, birthdays, sometimes on no special day in particular, to remind ourselves that we are loved, not forgotten, free in spirit, in humanity … human.

Family From the Inside: Helping the Incarcerated Stay Connected

Jan 1st 2019

By: Jose Di Lenola

I can say with confidence that most men I have interacted with during these twenty-three years of incarceration feel

deep sadness for what their families are suffering because of their incarceration. Several times I have seen men break down in tears when the topic of family comes up. The constant refrain –disconnection and powerlessness.

How do we on the inside address this and stay relevant and contributory and connected with families through it all?

The InterNational Prisoners’ Family Conference has sought answers for these and related questions for ten years now.

Last month, Dawn and I, as co-chairs, introduced readers to the Insiders’ Coalition of InterNational Prisoners’ Family Conference (ICO). This month I would like to unpack one of the ideas we’re developing: educational classes promoting healthy and loving families.

As in the free world, so it is in prison: there are three general categories of individuals when it comes to family connection.

Let’s take a look at each of them:

1) Actively connected.

These individuals write often, call when they can, and seek out all the ways they can connect and contribute to their family.

2) Completely disconnected.

These individuals have no contact with their family. The reasons for this vary greatly: the years of incarceration; distance; death; dysfunctional family; negative choices, and the list goes on.

3) Seeking to Stay Connected.

These individuals are struggling to stay connected and fluctuate between connected and disconnected. It can be the long passage of years draining energy, resources, and vibrancy. Some may struggle to find new ways to connect through the years. For others it may be because of their negative choices, or they’ve lost some trust and connection and are now attempting to restore those.

A family class would assist all three types. For the actively connected they can find satisfaction and contribution as mentors and facilitators for others. They can be positive role models for what is possible while incarcerated. Also, no family is perfect, and even the actively connected may need assistance,

For the disconnected and those seeking to stay connected a family program can be beneficial by providing tools and an environment to practice them.

The family class will examine the various types of families; the various roles and and how these role expectations were created. It will assist individuals with creative ways to stay connected. It will also explore how incarceration affects families. The topic of trauma will be explored as well. This may open up the hard (and sometimes nearly impossible) topic of trauma to be explored.

Another educational component will be domestic violence awareness. Domestic violence is a serious issue that is receiving little attention in DOC’s, except for when it comes to supervision criteria when a person is released.

ICO would like to provide a comprehensive program with trained facilitators.

There is also the future vision to have IPFC family members and advocates come inside facilities to participate and contribute to the various programs.

ICO believes individuals can reduce the trauma of incarceration and incarceral factors by providing a supportive, safe environment to practice skills that enrich the individual as well as the family.

Classes will be fluid and dynamic by continually evaluating and expanding curriculum to provide the most effective practices and connetions with existing programs where family members can participate.

We believe that ICO and IPFC, together can make a great impact on the quality of life incarcerated families experience both during and following incarceration. The point of a coalition would be to see ICO extend to both men’s and women’s facilities as well as nationally and internationally.

How this takes shape and forms today, next year and years to come is open to amazing possibility. We ask for your support, ideas, and questions as we hope to grow a vibrant community that will benefit countless families suffering with incarceration.

Forming An “Insiders Chapter” of InterNational Prisoners’ Family Conference

Dec 1st, 2018

1st IPFC “INSIDERS’ CHAPTER”

Meet the Co-Coordinators: Dawn & Jose

Dawn and Jose met in Attica CF in 2012. They married in 2017 in Cayuga CF. They feel fortunate to have 2 visitation days and many hours on the phone each week. Jose Dilenola’s passions include teaching, writing, music and mentoring at risk teens. He won a 2011 Honorable Mention from PEN America prison writing contest and his published articles can be found online. Dawn Zuppelli works and lives in Rochester, NY and her current advocacy focus is Parole Reform in NY state. Together, Dawn and Jose are excited about this opportunity to bring the “insiders” perspective to the conference. In their first newsletter article they describe how this opportunity arose and their plans for this new project.

US:

We began writing this article while sitting in the Groveland Correctional Facility visiting room surrounded by other families. The sound of vending machines, playing cards, board games, and children playing in the children’s corner filled the air.

It is a moving display of joy and love and sadness. Sad because we know beneath that joy of connection is the struggle to stay connected through the searing pain of separation.

All families with an incarcerated loved one experience these mixed emotions. It is from these shared realities of hardship and hope that we introduce a new idea for the International Prisoner’s Family Conference: The Insiders Chapter of (ICO) the IPFC.

Here is the story of how this began.

DAWN:

In 2016 I came across The Prison Family Bill of Rights. I brought it into my visit with Jose in Cayuga CF along with printed copies to post in the visiting center and share with family members. I hoped it would empower others to advocate for themselves when interacting with disrespectful staff they encounter when visiting incarcerated loved ones.

I learned The Prison Family Bill of Rights was written by a coalition of prison family members and organizations serving prison families during an InterNational Prisoner’s Family Conference.

From that point on I was determined and eager to attend the conference, and I did.

This past October I went to Dallas, Texas to attend the 10th anniversary of the InterNational Prisoner’s

Conference.

I had a terrific experience. I was very inspired by the compassionate and dedicated people I met working to bridge the Empathy Gap for incarcerated families as well as their work for systemic change.

During the conference Jose would call and have the opportunity to listen to a workshop speaker or chat with conference participants. As is often the case when I am with family, friends, at music shows or movies I want to include Jose and share as many moments as possible. As many of you know a relationship with someone in prison requires a lot of phone time to stay connected.

JOSE: The best part of my day is when I talk with Dawn on the phone. I love hearing about her day, listening to songs, googling fun stuff,

whatever it is I love it. It’s during those calls I feel less isolated and transported out beyond the penitentiary walls.

I called during a break while Dawn was at the IPF conference and she introduced me to Carolyn Esparza, the founder of IPFC. It was a short yet meaningful conversation. I recall asking her two questions: 1) How could those of us inside prison contribute to IPFC, and 2) what is IPFC doing to support incarcerated women? Something to that effect. Carolyn replied “Those are good questions. I will have to give that more thought.” Later, Carolyn shared more with us about the conference and her enthusiasm was infectious, her dedication to IPFC inspiring.

DAWN: Shortly after the conference I reached out to Carolyn offering support to organize for the 2019 conference. She was surprised to hear from me at that moment because she had been thinking a lot about Jose’s question, “How an insiders’ group could support IPFC and allow insiders to be more involved.” She encouraged me to work out the ideas with Jose and to bring her a proposal for an “Insiders’ project.”

I spoke with Jose about committing to a project and he enthusiastically took up the idea to begin an insiders’ group in Groveland CF and contribute regularly to the IPFC newsletter.

Carolyn and the board have encouraged and supported the idea to have an Insider newsletter column, an Insiders workshop at the 2019 conference and a long term vision of seeing insider groups flourish where they can.

US: We spent most of our visit and much time since the conference brainstorming for this project. One of the ideas is for Jose to start a chapter inside NYDOCCS that would embrace and build on the Mission of IPFC. This would include programming relevant to families such as improving family dynamics, addressing domestic violence, parenting skills and offering support service information for families. The chapter would have a fundraiser to contribute to IPFC for projects.

This is a very brief summary of our initial ideas. In the coming months we will elaborate and explore more on this project. We hope to see a strong link form between the Insiders that support families and the mission of IPFC. We are open to suggestions and ideas on helpful future submission for the column. Please submit any ideas you might have to info@prisonersfamilyconference.org. We look forward to hearing from you.

Forming An Insiders Chapter of InterNational Prisoners Conference