From Dawn:
Is it over!? Well yes and no.

The 11th annual InterNational Prisoners’ Family Conference is over.  It lasts just a little bit longer than a Family Reunion Program (Trailer) Visit in NY state. Not that Jose and I have been fortunate to have those, but I hear the time goes very fast and it is a precious, celebrated family time together, and having to leave your loved one is a heartbreak, just like leaving the IPFC conference.
The conference has an intimate family reunion feeling. Even first time attendees bond very quickly with others that have been attending for years. I believe it is the nature of the hardships we share together, having incarcerated loved ones, and sharing our struggles of the ‘justice system’ that we cut quickly and deeply to each others hearts.
We share our deepest pain that even some of our “closest” friends and family may not know. Having this space of support, trust and release also makes the joys and celebrations we share so much sweeter.      

This depth of sharing and listening, as well as the sorrow and celebration,  was certainly alive in our Circle process workshop on self-empathy.* I was delighted and honored to facilitate this process with my dear friend and collaborator, Kerry Gant. 
We asked two questions in our circle:      1) What barriers in your life impede or prevent self compassion?       2) In what ways do you show yourself compassion?       
   It was moving  to see the willingness of participants to share from such a deep and genuine place and the deep connections that were made among others as well as to themselves. The flow of the circle moved through expressions of grief. regrets and self punishment.   

Then we put a balm on wounds by sharing our self care strategies (stay tuned we will be posting those.) Oh, and we did have some fun!!  
One of the most affirming comments of the circle experience came from Barbara Allan who said, “That really got to peoples’ souls.” 
That sums up the magic of the circle process. For me, having a space for this depth of sharing is one of the most meaningful aspects of the conference experience. That is the magic of the Prisoners’ Family Conference experience.    
  The impact that this conference has on everyone is not over when the conference ends nor the connections we make and continue to develop over the year/s. The conference is our time to share and grow together in the same time and place for an extraordinary few days.  
     We will stay connected to each other and grow in those connections. We will share both on and offline our struggles to support our loved ones inside as well as ourselves and each other. We will continue the fight to improve the system for our loved ones. And we will come together again in 355 days (but who’s counting!)

*Unfortunately due to the time and space constraints,  we had to limit and close our session. We hope to offer 2 different themed circles next year allowing more people to experience the process. 
From Jose: 
It’s hard to believe the Prisoners’ Family Conference has passed and this was my second year attending via phone. Again it was exciting to meet new people, and listen in on two speakers’ stories I won’t soon, if ever, forget.

On the way to the conference Dawn was bumped from her flight so we had a chance to speak before her flight to Dallas. Suddenly she noticed on FB that Barbara Allan was on her way to Dallas from the same airport. Dawn had just said “I wonder if she will be on the same flight. That will be great.” Then she suddenly spotted  Barbara! 
We are admirers of Barbara, especially since reading her book “Doing Our Time On The Outside” and learning about all she has done for prisoners’ families. 
Later when I called back Dawn asked if I wanted to speak with Barbara. Absolutely! It was an honor to talk to her.  She told me to come home soon and I said I would see her at the conference. 
The first story I want to speak about is Terrence. To be incarcerated at the age of 12! I was 16 when I came to prison and I certainly felt hopeless, serving 25 years to life and witnessing all the violence around me. I can’t imagine doing it at the age of 12. 

Thinking back over the years and what got me through, hope is probably on the top of the list. I did get teary eyed when Terrence told the story of his friend who committed suicide. An all too common tragedy in prison. He attributed his own survival and success to his parents and Carolyn Esparza, for 30 years of continuous support and belief in him. To stay connected through all those years is truly remarkable. 
Terrence is a gifted speaker and motivated me to work on topics I would like to present when released.

The second story is of Peter and his son, Alex. I was moved by their story and what it represents for so many of us inside: love and support. Truly, no matter where one is when enduring a hardship, love and support is a blessing. The person may not be a father, as in some cases, but that doesn’t make the love and support any less significant. Being a part of others lives outside of prison helps us inside feel relevant, present, not forgotten. 
Thank you all for making this year’s Prisoners’ Family Conference another great experience. 

Editor’s Note: We are always excited to share the Insiders’ column with our readers, but sometimes wonder if others may think Dawn & Jose have an unusual relationship, because we don’t often hear others finding so many meaningful ways to share with one another from the outside – in or from the inside – out.  We happen to think Dawn & Jose have found some meaningful and creative ways to be part of each other’s world, despite the obvious barrier prison creates for all relationships.  It would be great to hear our readers’ thoughts on the information Dawn and Jose have been sharing with us over the past year.  E-mail us your comments and your ideas for keeping relationships strong during a loved one’s incarceration.  

August 1st, 2019
From Dawn:

I have always loved to travel and having a husband who is incarcerated has not changed that. In fact, perhaps it brings me even greater joy, as sharing my travels and adventures with Jose, who has been incarcerated since he was 16 years old, brings me deeper wonderment and appreciation. 
Jose and I are on the phone a lot together; we share movies and pod casts, attend concerts and conferences, visit friends and different community gatherings and travel together, all via phone calls! Recently, we went to Italy for my birthday. Yes, WE did!  

Well,  I physically traveled with my daughter and Jose often met us there, via the telephone. Traveling actually enhances our connection and it’s a passion we share. 
A marriage to someone in prison is a long-distance relationship, whether you are 45 minutes away (as we are) or six thousand miles away across continents and seas. We make the most of the distance as we discover new and exciting ways to explore spaces, cultures and ourselves. 

We share memories, dreams and each moment, as we use the world we live in to help connect us on a deeper level. We have traveled to the pyramids of Mexico, the forests in Costa Rica, and most recently to the Sistine Chapel in Rome. 
Despite our jokes of Jose being the boy in the bubble, he is a well read, intellectual artist who truly possesses an adventurer’s soul. He teaches me about art and history as I explain what I see, taste and smell. 

I bring puzzles to him of places I will be going (for him and his friends to enjoy) and he gives me cards to open in 

new destinations along the way. I buy him foods from every place I go, carefully reading and selecting things that our DOCCS will allow inside. I even missed my flight out of Rome while I was fastidiously reading package labels!
(I do understand that in some ways we have a special benefit, in that I am able to bring some foods and items into visitation at the prison, whereas many other prisons disallow this treasured benefit. I recognize how this benefits us, and wish the opportunity was available to all persons in our circumstances.)

I send Flixshop postcards to Jose, daily, and when I’m back home and we are at our personal oasis, (the prison visiting table) I share hundreds of pictures and stories. 
I love Jose’s encouragement, enthusiasm and sense of adventure for my/our travels. I love when I burst into tears or deep laughter connecting with a place or person and he is there telling me, “That is what I love about you; how you are so moved by the world.” 
I am moved by the world but it moves me even deeper to share it with him. I 

was in one of the most romantic places on the planet: Venice, Italy. It was here that I cried for the joy of love; the beauty dripping from floral scents; the sunlight shimmering off the water and radiating on smiling faces, and when I experience this magic, I do not feel alone. 
I feel full of love and gratitude that I am sharing all of this with a wonderful partner, even in this unconventional 

way. Instead of taking a Gondola ride together, which we would have done if Jose had physically been present, I brought him a Venice gondola shirt (that I had to wear) and a Fedora to plop on his head briefly, just for the picture, and then, together we celebrated all this beauty and adventure that makes up our world, inside and out.
From Jose:
I love it when Dawn travels. In fact, I encourage her to. I encourage her  for two main reasons: 1) to get a break from the prison craziness, and, 2) because she loves it. 
We are well aware of the stress prison places on families and the gauntlet families must pass through to visit.  Vacations are a much needed break for families. Dawn does so much to support my well-being; in turn I support hers. 
I encourage Dawn in all the things she is passionate about;  I see that as my role as a loving partner; wanting the best for her. 
I know how hard she works to provide for us and I wouldn’t want to hold her back from experiences that bring her joy. I don’t feel jealous or left out. I only regret not being able to be there with her. Until then, I keep asking her, “Where are we going next?” ________________________________________________________Editor’s Note: There is no doubt, Dawn and Jose are a pretty special couple, but the truth is their experience certainly provides excellent examples for strengthening all relationships.  They remind us all that LIFE IS AN ATTITUDE.  The best part of that is, each of us has a choice in the attitude we choose to wear each day!  Dawn and Jose most often seem to choose a “glass half full” attitude!________________________________________________________
Dawn and Jose are working toward building an “insiders program” that will help strengthen family relationships  during and following incarceration.  As stringent prison guidelines must be met, Jose has submitted a proposal to prison authorities and we are awaiting approval at this time.  In the meantime, those with credible best practice classes for strengthening family relations during and following incarceration are asked to share your information to build a curriculum.  E-mail:  info@prisonersfamilyconference.org.

June 1st 2019

 

Jose: 

Mother’s Day has just passed. As a member of the Crusaders’ executive board, an inmate organization, I requested flowers be given to all visiting mothers. They were long stemmed carnations, yellow, orange, peach–beautiful flowers.

As the men present the flowers to their mothers or their child’s mother, their faces light up.

It is beautiful to see.

I would bet that if you looked in any prison visiting room across the nation, you would notice that women are the predominant visitors. Women and children. From what I’ve heard about women’s prison, they receive few visitors, especially from men.

Currently, I am housed in the reception dorm in Groveland Correctional Facility. I see everyone who enters the facility. A good number I get to know to some degree and I see them on visits with their families; sometimes with their mothers.

Many of the men are in their early twenties; just kids, and you can see it in the way their mothers dote on them. Sometimes it makes me sad to see it.

I haven’t spoken to nor seen my mother in twelve years. I spent my early years with

her and then was sent to my aunt and uncle’s.

After that, I’d spend time with her while she lived with my grandmother. They were strained visits. She had her addictions and trauma. I grew to develop my own addiction and trauma which were inherited by her children.

Early in my incarceration, I participated in the Family Reunion Program with my mother and family. These are roughly seventy-two hours in a mobile unit on the prison grounds.

Eventually, my family stopped bringing her.  We have a lot of family trauma and I have added greatly to it.

Every holiday I receive cards from my mother. During the early years, I tried writing back, but I was young, immature and struggling with my issues. I only wrote a few times and now I don’t write and I feel conflicted about it. She had her struggles and trauma and I made my own destructive choices, not particularly good ground for connection.

My mother is deaf and that adds another barrier. The facility’s TTY is nearly impossible to access. That’s not much of an excuse but the staff have no incentive to support family relations.

Sometimes I think about writing to her. I want to tell her about my marriage to Dawn. I hope when they meet they get along. I want to tell her about graduating from college, my writings, artwork…how much I miss her. I’m not there yet. I still have lingering hurt and shame.

For now, I feel content looking up at these men with their moms; living vicariously through them; imagining my mother smiling with her flower; doting upon me.

Dawn and I had a great visit. She left with five beautiful flowers and I got doted on a little…okay, a lot.